A sneak peak into the working week of our embattled Lady Justice
Monday
Tweets today: 23 (v.g.)
It’s great being Lord Chandler. The outfit is amazeballs! Although the cuffs keep falling in my Pot Noodle. Apparently, my civil servants tell me that I don’t have to wear it all the time. Who are they kidding?
Anyway — I’m told that my job is to represent the judges. Which is funny because I thought they’d be better at that than me. So I had a Very Serious Meeting (one cup of coffee, no buns) with some chap who said he was the Lord Chief Justice (bit like Grand Imperial Wizard, I think). He talked for ages about the independence of the judiciary and the constitutional duties of the office and yadda yadda yadda. I mean — Jeez! At the end and just when I’d finished tweeting my new outfit, he asked me if I had any questions. I couldn’t really think of anything as I haven’t really got a clue what he was on about. So I dug deep into the old reserves and quick as a flash said:
Tell me, exactly what cheese are our judges eating at lunch? Because if it’s French cheese … That. Is. A. Disgrace!
I think the meeting went well.
I was still very keen to wear the big batcape thing with the gold edges that I get to wear as Lord Charleston but I was told by the spoilsports civil servants that I’m not allowed to unless it’s a special occasion. So it’s my birthday next week and I’m gonna wear it all day then just to show them who’s boss.
Later on, texted my new bestie the ‘Lord Chief Justice’ chappy a really funny video of a cat on a trampoline with LOL! at the end. He’s not “liked” it yet — which is a bit rude, I think.
Tuesday
Tweets today: 12 (OK)
Flying to a legal conference in Wales today. Amazing. Wales is just like England but maybe a bit hillier. The people all look the same too. Amazing.
As I was looking for my seat on the plane, two different passengers stopped me and asked me if I could help them with their bags. The cheek of some people. And they later asked me when the duty free trolley would be coming by. I told them that since Brexit there was no duty free on flights to Wales. I’ve no idea if that’s true but since I was appointed Lord Vader no one seems to think that I’m talking total bilge most of the time.
Had a great conference in Wales where I spoke about all sorts of Legal Stuff that my civil servants had written in large letters with bits underlined where I was to frown and use my sternest voice. Ad-libbed a bit in the middle about cheese but no one seemed to notice.
Met some lovely personal injury lawyers afterwards who seemed to be concerned that I was suffering from a serious head trauma and spoke to me very slowly using short words. I later found out from my civil servants that personal injury lawyers were all Very Bad People and I should not be talking to them at all! Whoops!
Wednesday
Tweets: 1 (v. bad)
Wanted to issue a press release about cheese today but my civil servants wouldn’t let me. So I sneaked into the loo at lunchtime and sent a tweet about it instead. I overhead someone on the bus saying that the best cheese to hide a horse inside was mascarpone. So naturally I tweeted that hiding livestock inside cheese Was. A. Disgrace! Shortly after that my phone disappeared and no one in the office can find it no matter how hard they look.
Thursday
Tweets today 0 (v.v. bad)
Big speech today to the Association of British Insurers who — my civil servants tell me — are Very Good People and I should do whatever they want. My speech was very interesting and I learned a lot as I read it out. Apparently ‘whiplash’ is a bad thing but luckily isn’t real at all and ‘crash4cash’ seems like a very hit and miss way to make money. Like the lottery, but likely to hurt more.
As far as I can make out people who are injured after an accident can’t make any claims unless they have the sort of injuries insurance companies like. I think a painful leg is ok but a painful neck is not. Note to self: make sure next time involved in car accident, get injured in the right place.
Friday
The reviews of my speech in all the papers were amazeballs! “Eye-wateringly vapid” said one and “uttered with all the conviction of an in-flight catering announcement” said another. The legal press said it was “amazing” (that I’d ever made Lord Chancellor) which is high praise indeed!
Talking of the press, lots of the newspapers that I’m told we like have printed lots of rude things about judges being put up against the nearest wall and shot. Well — of all the nerve! I put my frowniest face on and was going to go on the TV and tell these newspapers what for. But instead I got a message from Teresa that a statement had been sent out in my name instead which is not fair as I didn’t even get a chance to read it first. It said:
The Lord Chancellor is fully committed to a free and fair and robust press and attempts by the judiciary to fetter are to be deprecated. Judges are free to make any decision they like — even if they are totally wrong — about important matters which are none of their concern and as Lord Chancellor they will have my unwavering and totally conditional support.
I have no idea what most of that means but the ‘Bar Council’ seemed jolly upset by the whole thing and if I’d been making statements about bars them it might have something to do with them, but maybe they should let us lawyers (hark at me!) deal with legally things.
Cheese!
Saturday
I know it’s the weekend but apparently I have to be Lord Whatsit then too. No fair! And apparently some Very Bad People have escaped from prison and that’s a thing I’m in charge of too! Who knew? I asked if they were personal injury lawyers but my staff said no which is really confusing. Turns out they didn’t have those uniforms with arrows on them or balls and chains — so how are we supposed to find them, then? Someone hasn’t thought this whole ‘prisoner’ thing through at all.
So we all had to have a ‘crisis meeting’, which sounded really important but it seems that’s just a meeting without good sandwiches in which everyone frowns a lot. Then I went on the BBC and managed to avoid answering any questions in which some harpy woman interviewer used lots of words I hadn’t time to look up property.
So I put on my Serious Face, said that this sort of thing Is! A! Disgrace! and it was about time prisons kept their doors locked. My staff were all holding their heads in their hands in a very supportive way and I’ve seen them do this a lot and they tell me it’s the special way that the ministry people show their total support.
I’ve been told that my staff think that as a minister I’m ‘special’ which is why they keep going on about my ‘special needs’ — which is very sweet of them.
Beyeee!
Wigapedia (aka Colm Nugent) is a barrister at Hardwicke in Lincoln’s Inn in London.
Previously:
Language of the legal directory decoded: the 2016 edition [Legal Cheek]
What the supervisor says vs What the trainee hears [Legal Cheek]